An Update of September

I’ve been in New York for a little while now, and the experience has been both invigorating and disorienting. New faces, new friends, and an entirely different atmosphere, it feels like a much-needed reset. What has truly sustained me here, however, is the presence of a team that fully supports me. For once, I’m not doing everything alone; I have someone to “manage” the details, lighten my load, and make the work feel just a little less daunting.

Walking at Fashion Week was exhilarating, though undeniably exhausting. It reminded me of the long days back in Japan when I would return home utterly depleted, craving nothing more than food and sleep, yet still expected to appear impeccable when duty called. This time, however, felt different. With someone by my side to film my content, carry my bags, and essentially serve as my personal assistant, I could finally breathe. That small shift of being supported rather than stretched thin, was transformative. It even allowed me the rare luxury of studying during breaks. Strangely enough, this motivated me; it reassured me that balance is possible, that I can, in fact, work and study simultaneously. Perhaps the key lies in harnessing that balance deliberately.

Another revelation: I don’t have to post constantly. I don’t have to monitor every word written about me online. That obsessive vigilance once consumed me, and it drained far more energy than I realized. To step away from that cycle, no longer tethered to perpetual surveillance, it feels liberating. It’s the very reason I chose to approach this chapter differently: to focus, to reclaim a sense of self.

Still, the reality of studying is arduous. Some days I cannot tell whether I am excelling or floundering, and that ambiguity gnaws at me. The fear of “wasting” a day or not being sufficiently productive corrodes my confidence. Questions loop in my head: Why didn’t I start earlier? Do I have enough time? Am I already behind? These thoughts spiral, producing not clarity but confusion, and leave me with a sense of hopelessness I try hard to resist. (Have you noticed my heightened ability to use difficult words? I’m studying for the CARS section for the MCAT if you couldn’t tell ;) ).

I know I need to reset something fundamental, though I’m not quite sure what it is. Music helps. A change of environment might help even more, being surrounded by equally driven people who embody the discipline I aspire to. It is difficult to perceive progress when you are submerged in the middle of it. I often remind others online that “it will be worth it,” and though I believe that, even I falter. Yet, one truth keeps me grounded: time moves relentlessly forward. That inevitability, paradoxically, makes me feel safe.

On another note, I’ve been vlogging more seriously. Editing has always been a strength of mine, quick, concise videos come easily, but now I yearn for something more cinematic, something immersive. I want my work to feel like an experience, a window into my world that still carries my personality and style. Having a team has made this evolution possible: someone to shoot for me, someone to filter the noise of the internet and only alert me when necessary, and, most importantly, people who trust my vision. They allow me to direct, to exercise creative freedom, to build something authentic.

I envision turning these moments into something akin to a documentary, not for anyone else, really, but for myself. To fall in love with the process, to document the craft of my life, to remind myself of what I’ve been building all along. Maybe it will result in one video in an entire year, or two, but if so, it will be a work of which I am profoundly proud.