Begining of an Ending : My Health

I guess I’ll start here: I haven’t been doing well, health-wise. That’s essentially why I decided to write all of this, and why I started this blog, just in case.

Something in me began to shift after November, when the pageant ended and I left for yet another non-stop trip abroad. I got sick... really sick. High fevers, nausea, fatigue. But I told myself it was just stress, that I was just tired. I’d been going nonstop for months, running on adrenaline, barely sleeping, always "on." Even after all that, I still had appearances to make. I couldn’t stop. But inside, I was already unraveling.

Over the following months, I began vomiting, fainting, forgetting entire conversations. My body was swollen. My heart would race just from standing on a train. Still, I brushed it off. Maybe I was overworked. I didn't feel like myself. I wasn't confident, happy, or present enough to have any sort of conversation. Maybe I was just being dramatic. Maybe that’s why I was agitated all the time. The truth is, I had lost the energy to do anything unless it was for work, because work gave me a reason to keep going. But eventually, even that became too much.

Then April came another month of obligations and stress. I tried to push through, as always. My schedule was packed with nonstop obligations. And in early May, I collapsed. I was rushed to the ER. And still, I thought I was overreacting. I didn't want to call the emergency line for so long, I waited two days to call until my mother had to call for me.

But this time, there was an answer: cardiomyopathy. Suddenly, everything made sense.

The exhaustion. The breathlessness. The mood swings. The vomiting. The forgetfulness. The loss of motivation. That voice in my head telling me I was lazy, distant, or not myself. It wasn’t me. It was my body reaching its limit. In late June, I was also diagnosed with ventricular tachycardia, which explained even more.

My heart had weakened to the point that my heart could no longer pump efficiently, leading to dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, and fatigue. It’s a condition often worsened by extreme stress, illness, and overexertion. In many ways, it’s an invisible illness. Left untreated, it can lead to heart failure, or worse. And with ventricular tachycardia, the electrical signals in my heart were going haywire.

But my nightmare month of May didn’t end there.

One morning, I collapsed again while trying to stand. I had chest pain. My right leg wouldn’t support me. I lost all sensation on the right side of my body. Something felt wrong—but I still brushed it off. I didn’t want to believe it.

That same day, I went to the hospital. After numerous tests and scans, I was told I had experienced a TIA: a transient ischemic attack, or mini-stroke, and I was on the verge of a heart attack. My heart, under so much strain, had likely allowed a small clot to travel to my brain, briefly cutting off oxygen. While minor in medical terms, it had a major impact on my life, especially my speech. During lessons, I began struggling to find words. I had to think harder before I spoke. And even then, the words didn’t always come out the way I intended. I had thought I was just tired and overworked. But I was wrong.

And don’t even get me started on the intestinal issues, it was a lot. But all of it finally gave me a reason to do something I’d never allowed myself to do before: focus on my health, and stop worrying about everyone else for once.

I wasn’t weak. I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t unambitious. I wasn't dumb. I was just tired. Deeply, silently tired. I just wanted to sleep and that was my body trying to preserve me.

People thought I was lazy for staying in bed. But they didn’t know I was fighting for my life. Good thing is now I am healthier than ever, I understand how to care of myself better.

Thank you to those who have followed and supported me on this journey, who believed in me and my words, even when I didn’t always have the strength to say them out loud.

Allow me to say that I will personally continue my blog on this website and my vlogs on YouTube, but other social media such as Instagram and TikTok will no longer be managed by me but my social media manager to keep me offline as much as possible and focus on my studies, my work, and my business. And with my studies, I have great news... but thats for another time <3.

Always, with love,

Kaya